In my aud & crazy world I constantly have things running through my head. So rather then continue letting it take up space I'm putting it out there! My thoughts, opinions, fashion tips on a budget, hair tips for crazy unmanageable hair and other aud tidbits that include health and even some politics!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Midlife Crisis

I think I can officially say mid life crisis is here in full force.  It would be wrong for me to say I'm just being a normal mother, I mean, roller coaster rides of happy, ornery, depressed, tired, crying, what the hell am I doing, is this really my life.  Really?  I need to get a job, I need to finish my degree, I need to move to some deserted island and start anew.  Perhaps a jet to the beach with no one but me and a cooler full of diet coke, a Mary Higgins Clark suspense novel and did I mention Diet Coke?  (Are you wondering why my cooler isn't full of wine coolers?  Well I'm one of the few crazy's left out there who chooses not to drink because of my religious beliefs. Do I question this decision every day of my life. All the time! I have no other explanation except to say I am on a roll and choosing to drink now would just be one more thing to swear at myself for... so I continue to abstain from the alcohol! And if I were completely honest, I am almost positive one drink would not be enough, not for this mid life crisis... so its probably a good thing.)

I would call my mother but she would just tell me that all would be well, hang in there, and I know what you're going through.  Obviously we all know she HAS to say this and although part of it would be true, the reality is, she still believes with all her heart that being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world.  Now, before you all cuss me out and accuse me of not loving my children, let me assure you you're wrong.  I love my children, heaven knows I would die for them... anyone with children knows and understands what I'm saying and yet most appreciate that moment when we wish we lived on another planet, far from anything that breathes, eats, farts, or says "mom, I'm suppose to wear sunglasses tomorrow, and I was wondering if you could run me to the store before school starts in the morning, because we haaaaave to wear sunglasses tomorrow for red ribbon week" REALLY? REALLY? That one actually came out my ten year olds mouth tonight.

I am not here to criticize stay at home moms, I've been doing it for the last 10 years of my life, I'm just saying sometimes it is OKAY to need and want a break... I need, I need!

Back to my mom, I am pretty dang sure she was crazy for the better part of my childhood, she would most likely not deny this, but my heck she gave birth to and raised eight kids!  Pause, did you just have to re-read that.  That's right people, eight kids.  I told you... she was crazy.  Because let's be honest, no one in their right mind would opt to give birth to eight little terrors and live to tell the tale.  Except crazy moms!  God bless her, she is amazing for the mere fact that she didn't kill any of us and she didn't drink herself through it.  I continue to be amazed to this day. Love you mom xoxo

My sisters?  As much as I love them, they would tell me to just call a doc and get on Prozac or something.  Maybe that's not a bad idea?  Being considered!  But, why would I listen to them in the first place, they continue to work themselves to death.  I have a bet going on which of my two older sisters will have the first heart attack.  The one who is a real estate broker is the mom with the phone taped to her head as she's going through checkout with a baby strapped to her hip and three other loud obnoxious boisterous boys (because all boys are under this umbrella, not just hers) .  Or the one who can't say no to anyone even if it meant the end of her life as she knows it... instead she runs around like the energizer bunny until the battery acid starts leaking and it causes a major shutdown and she is forced through complete body shut down before she has a full night of sleep or a day in bed.  Did I mention she has four kids? My youngest sister, she is free as a bird, enjoying the first year at college. Enjoy it honey, enjoy every moment!

Anyone who has more than one child should be on the shortlist to heaven.  Anyone with more than four, straight shot and anyone with eight.. perhaps will be granted st. hood! Twins, triplets, quartets or more, well lets just say you will be exalted.  In my opinion ;)

Personally that sounds like hell, not the kids people, the part about working your self to death!  Although depending on the day, I may agree.  I keep telling myself that me going back to school over the last two years is the right thing to do. That it will eventually pay off as long as I just stick with it!  Are you all laughing yet... because I can't... tear.  Tell that to the dream house, the second car, the clothes I dream of purchasing some day, the vacation without breaking the bank.  I am sure you all get the picture.

I'm almost positive my husband thinks I've completely lost my mind, he may be right.  Today he told me after I poured out my twisted thoughts, "just don't leave me". I told him I would be lying if the thought didn't cross my mind every day as I'm driving down the freeway.  I mean seriously, doesn't that thought sound so nice, just keep driving, just keep driving, just keep driving.  I feel like Dory in Finding Nemo.  I mean she is the epitome of me right now.  Foggy brain, swimming in circles, brain cells killed from, well the only thing I can think of is 3 pregnancy's.  Isn't that a fact, brain cells shrink when your pregnant? It's the only legitimate argument I have at this time.  Sounds pretty damn good to me!  And just so you all know, my husband is amazing and the fact that he still loves me 12 years later is a testament to his sacrifice of being married to yours truly.  You're a saint babe!

OF COURSE I WOULD NOT ACTUALLY LEAVE! It just sounds nice, sometimes.  Okay it sounds fabulous at times, but the reality is, my kids are probably already screwed up enough from my wicked parenting skills, and I mean that as wicked awesome; not wicked psycho.  I'm sure they would argue for the latter but who listens to a ten, eight and three and a half year old.  I'm not a sadist, I don't want to traumatize them. That would again be one more thing to swear at myself for.

Here is a checklist of some of the things I may or may not swear at myself for:

Best mom ever.... no check
Coolest mom ever... no check
Never yells at her child.... no check
Kids always clean up after themselves... no check
Kids are respectful, clean, kind, and helpful... no check
Kids get homework done on time, gets A's on every assignment and loves to read... no check

Maybe I should just start with:
Slacker mom of the year... check
Mom who hates laundry and dishes.... check
Feeds her kids... check!
Kids look like........ look like they have a great mom.... check, most of the time, so I'll take it!
Kids are alive... check
Kids don't say four letter words... check

Check sounds so much better... like mint chocolate! Mint chocolate always sounds so much more delectable than plain chocolate.  Check vs. uncheck... no matter how pathetic the checks may be they just look better!

I am for sure winning the "BEST MOM OF THE YEAR" award.  Maybe when they are 20 and they are living in some dorm in college.somewhere eating mac and cheese for the fifth time that week and their laundry is starting to grow mold and who knows what else.  Maybe then they will realize what an amazing mom I am.  So I have essentially 110+ more years to go before I get that pat on the back.  Whew, what am I complaining about?  And I thought I was being unreasonable!

So here's to Diet Coke! My one true north and moment of bliss, no matter how miniscule it may seem!
(Let's not get into how bad it is for my body, if that is what you want to say right now. STOP!  I already know and right now I DON'T care, so don't leave it here! Don't ruin this moment for your own satisfaction or bizarre gratification of check for you, no check for me! Pat yourself on the back and walk away!)

Diet Coke... hmmmm!


  1. Diet coke takes me to a happy place far,far away from my own loud boisterous obnoxious boys. I hear ya sister!!

  2. i love this blog already, audra! say it, sister! i always ask my mom how on earth she raised 6 kids and lived to tell. she has selective amnesia and only remembers the good parts which makes her wonder why i'm such a psychopath about everything. she forgets that she was probably a psychopath for awhile, too.

  3. Awe, it's refreshing as a mom to hear I'm not alone (seriously)! Anyone who says being a mom isn't the hardest job in the world has never been a mom!

  4. OK, this is getting more frustrating by the minute. Trying to comment, nothing sticks! Darn!

  5. Hey, it worked, so maybe.....about the mom thing. Diet pepsi (back then) and chocolate made life survivable, really. And when I needed time alone to regroup, weeding did it every time. CRAZY descibes a large family, so does CHAOS. But now when I listen to the kids razz, joke, and tease, and my cheeks and stomach ache from laughing so hard and long, wow was it ever worth it! How lucky am I? My girls are my best friends (daughter-in-laws included, we really lucked out there too), that's the best thing ever! You know the part about enduring? This qualifies! Love you! Love you blog, GO GIRL!

  6. I can totally relate. All I can say is you have to run away sometimes, you love your family more when you get back:) Running away with your husband or sisters is even better. A couple of weeks ago I told, my husband that I just wanted to have the baby so I could get a little vacation. I got to go to the Hospital, order room service and they just bring me what ever I want and I don't have to make it or clean it up, and no one expects me to get out of bed. It sounds crazy I know, but I am one of those crazy moms (it was baby # 8) and you have to take your get aways any way you can.
    Your cousin, Liz Crapo Bohon

  7. I love all your stories! Liz, I think you're crazy ;) and yet, I understand! I couldn't ever figure out why anyone didn't want to stay in the hospital for the full time, it's the only time you have someone waiting on YOU and not the other way around! Thanks for sharing.

    Martha, I get a kick out of our 'disagreements', but the reality is we are much more alike than we think. I love your posts, and although some strike a cord, I appreciate your honesty and straightforward approach!

    Mom- nothing short of amazing!

    Christy- We need a girls weekend out! Start thinking about dates!

    Melissa- I'm glad someone appreciates my honesty, although I fear it might get me into trouble! Us mom's have to hang together :)