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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Frustrations of a Home Bound Mom!

So today (yesterday) has been one of those days, or perhaps it's been one of those weeks, months, quarters, hmmm... I guess it's just been a year!  I often find myself wishing I lived another life, yes I have mentioned this before, free from torturous whining, kids screaming, never ending homework nagging, duct tape needing, mom screaming, hair pulling, happy fun filled days that seem to be the bane of my existence anymore!

The life where I made all the RIGHT decisions and stopped second guessing every decision that I have made!  You know, those decision that ultimately define the rest of your life.

In that other life, my life would be filled with wisdom, knowledge, confidence, no regrets, making a decision and running with it and not second guessing every damn decision I do make, not listening to anyone but myself and God, not allowing what I thought everyone wanted me to do or be to guide my every decision. I would stop trying to be so disgustingly perfect.  I wouldn't feel bad about my failures and use that to fuel my new endeavors. I would be full of I do's instead of "I didn't dare". I would put more worth on what I believe and value and not what other's value in me.  I wouldn't be so scared to try and be excited for the result no matter the outcome!

Oh and it would include some sort of nanny, a beach front property with NO hurricanes, and a masseuse to rub any and all of the incessant mommy stresses away, a hubby who cooked and cleaned (preferably) and children who cleaned up, wiped up, peed in the toilet not on the toilet, folded clothes, washed their own laundry, never complained, didn't know the meaning of "eyes rolling", refrained from nose picking, toilet role replacing, respectable, "your the best mom ever award", sweet and ever mindful children.  (It's a dream people)

Instead I have been consuming myself with the extremely efficient mind numbing game of what if I....

1. Finished college the first go around (rather than returning 10 years later and trying to finish a degree with three little hellions and four extra mouths to feed, laundry to be done, food to be cooked... yada, yada, yada, you get the picture!
2. Didn't have kids when I was a completely under qualified (is there such a thing as an over qualified mom?)
3. Got financially secure before having kids, (somehow I think those two go hand in hand)
4. Was the perfect mom
5. Wasn't so damn serious all the time
6. Wasn't so flippin indecisive
7. Found joy in the monotony of every day life
8. Woke up every day, went running before the break of dawn, showered, hair done, dressed, laundry load done, dishes done, all before the kids woke up! (Hell, then what would I do with the rest of my day!)
9. Finished the jobs I started... that would be a good start

Oh and 10. Stop being such a dumb A__! (This just goes with out saying ;)

I mean, I am quite sure that had I actually waited to bear children until I was a little more mature perhaps I would have made more qualified decisions! Like, perhaps it would be wiser to put the hubby through school while your going to school, or better yet, don't even get married until you have your degree, then get married, but wait to have kids until you can actually pay for that house, and not be scraping by.... But, no!  I got married at the age of 20, had my first kid at 22, had my second kid at 24, was practically a single mom putting her husband through Architecture school, and in the meantime lost my mind, identity, and became, hmmm still not sure!

I think that is where I'm at now, trying to figure out who the hell I am all the while still maintaining that "I am an awesome mom" complex, which we all know doesn't really exist; it's purely a figment of our imaginations.

Sorry to break it to you ladies! If your still living in that bubble, just be prepared because the fact is THERE IS NO SUCH THING! If there is anything I have learned over the years it's that if you think there is such thing as perfection, your setting yourself up for failure, it's inevitable! You might as well hear it from me now instead of ten years down the road! Just sayin!

Unfortunately, one of these days (if you haven't already) you will have a midlife crisis like yours truly and wonder where that amazing woman went only to find that the reflection in the mirror slightly resembles that girl from long ago, but is no where to be found!  If you are fortunate enough to never experience such a thing, please tell me what miracle drug you've found because the rest of us would appreciate it and we will thank you for it!

Until then, I'm befuddled by the road not taken, and longing for that daring girl that once resembled me and wondering if she still exists; somewhere?

And, if she is there, is it possible to reinvent her, or perhaps become a better version of her?  And if so, how, what, when and where is she and how do I begin to bring her back?

Lost in a world not my own,

Yours Truly!


  1. Audra, seriously, again, I could have written this post word for word. It's all so interesting isn't it? Now that we are a little older and "wiser" we want to go back and kick the butt of the girl who got married too young, didn't go to school, had kids too young and struggled along the way! I was actually JUST thinking about this TODAY and how I was just on autopilot with young kids and a husband who was gone 90% of the time working and going to school. I'd never go back, that's for sure! I am slowly, but surely accepting that this is the life I chose all those years ago and finding ways to be GREAT with it!

  2. kids ruin everything, bottom line. i feel you sister, except i am right now regretting what i studied in college and want to go back to school to do something else! grass is always greener, right? just know that nobody has it figured out. and there is no way to find joy in monotony. #7 is something i've struggled with my whole life. it's hard to believe we were sent to earth to do a lot of monotonous crap. i can hardly wrap my brain around it most days.

  3. Melissa, I love that you and I are so similar, the only solace I get is that every girl I talk to I feel like I have to convince them to do the opposite of what I did, I think they think I'm crazy!

    Martha, what did you do in school before, and what do you regret? Just curious, love to hear it! I totally agree with you about #7, however, I am still trying to figure out what else I am suppose to do, because obviously there must be something more out there that I'm suppose to fulfill, beside motherhood... ugh, sounds bad, but that is my thought process these days, because there has to be more ;)haha! RIGHT?