Frustrations of a Home Bound Mom!

So today (yesterday) has been one of those days, or perhaps it's been one of those weeks, months, quarters, hmmm... I guess it's just been a year!  I often find myself wishing I lived another life, yes I have mentioned this before, free from torturous whining, kids screaming, never ending homework nagging, duct tape needing, mom screaming, hair pulling, happy fun filled days that seem to be the bane of my existence anymore!

The life where I made all the RIGHT decisions and stopped second guessing every decision that I have made!  You know, those decision that ultimately define the rest of your life.

In that other life, my life would be filled with wisdom, knowledge, confidence, no regrets, making a decision and running with it and not second guessing every damn decision I do make, not listening to anyone but myself and God, not allowing what I thought everyone wanted me to do or be to guide my every decision. I would stop trying to be so disgustingly perfect.  I wouldn't feel bad about my failures and use that to fuel my new endeavors. I would be full of I do's instead of "I didn't dare". I would put more worth on what I believe and value and not what other's value in me.  I wouldn't be so scared to try and be excited for the result no matter the outcome!

Oh and it would include some sort of nanny, a beach front property with NO hurricanes, and a masseuse to rub any and all of the incessant mommy stresses away, a hubby who cooked and cleaned (preferably) and children who cleaned up, wiped up, peed in the toilet not on the toilet, folded clothes, washed their own laundry, never complained, didn't know the meaning of "eyes rolling", refrained from nose picking, toilet role replacing, respectable, "your the best mom ever award", sweet and ever mindful children.  (It's a dream people)

Instead I have been consuming myself with the extremely efficient mind numbing game of what if I....

1. Finished college the first go around (rather than returning 10 years later and trying to finish a degree with three little hellions and four extra mouths to feed, laundry to be done, food to be cooked... yada, yada, yada, you get the picture!
2. Didn't have kids when I was a completely under qualified (is there such a thing as an over qualified mom?)
3. Got financially secure before having kids, (somehow I think those two go hand in hand)
4. Was the perfect mom
5. Wasn't so damn serious all the time
6. Wasn't so flippin indecisive
7. Found joy in the monotony of every day life
8. Woke up every day, went running before the break of dawn, showered, hair done, dressed, laundry load done, dishes done, all before the kids woke up! (Hell, then what would I do with the rest of my day!)
9. Finished the jobs I started... that would be a good start

Oh and 10. Stop being such a dumb A__! (This just goes with out saying ;)

I mean, I am quite sure that had I actually waited to bear children until I was a little more mature perhaps I would have made more qualified decisions! Like, perhaps it would be wiser to put the hubby through school while your going to school, or better yet, don't even get married until you have your degree, then get married, but wait to have kids until you can actually pay for that house, and not be scraping by.... But, no!  I got married at the age of 20, had my first kid at 22, had my second kid at 24, was practically a single mom putting her husband through Architecture school, and in the meantime lost my mind, identity, and became, hmmm still not sure!

I think that is where I'm at now, trying to figure out who the hell I am all the while still maintaining that "I am an awesome mom" complex, which we all know doesn't really exist; it's purely a figment of our imaginations.

Sorry to break it to you ladies! If your still living in that bubble, just be prepared because the fact is THERE IS NO SUCH THING! If there is anything I have learned over the years it's that if you think there is such thing as perfection, your setting yourself up for failure, it's inevitable! You might as well hear it from me now instead of ten years down the road! Just sayin!

Unfortunately, one of these days (if you haven't already) you will have a midlife crisis like yours truly and wonder where that amazing woman went only to find that the reflection in the mirror slightly resembles that girl from long ago, but is no where to be found!  If you are fortunate enough to never experience such a thing, please tell me what miracle drug you've found because the rest of us would appreciate it and we will thank you for it!

Until then, I'm befuddled by the road not taken, and longing for that daring girl that once resembled me and wondering if she still exists; somewhere?

And, if she is there, is it possible to reinvent her, or perhaps become a better version of her?  And if so, how, what, when and where is she and how do I begin to bring her back?

Lost in a world not my own,

Yours Truly!

Short Story

So this is actually something I wrote almost two years ago, but for some reason I have been thinking about it. Why?  Because my baby is turning four in a few months and it makes me lugubrious (new word of the day... meaning: sad. This is my attempt at sounding smarter ;).  My little man is my sidekick, the yin to my yang, the fung to my shui... did I go too far? You get the picture.  He is always full of hugs, kisses, cuddles, loves, and always makes me & everyone around him laugh.  The ladies love his blonde curls and his stylish green frog rain boots.  Not to mention he is the cutest superhero alive in his green frog rain boots,  buzz lightyear underwear, and superhero cape! I would post pics, but someone from DCSF would probably see this as child abuse, or child porn and have me arrested before the days end.  So I will refrain.  

This particular story was actually an assignment for a class I was taking on stress management.  Ironic, I know! Anyhow, for all you mom's out there; this is a tribute to you and all those long nights, lost hours of sleep, and all those damn wrinkles that keep creeping up just so we can contribute to the human population.  That somehow in our attempt to make the world a better place, we, in our deranged and erratic heads of ours; believe with all our hearts that WE can make a difference, and somehow we do.  However big or small, we all accomplish great things, all in the name of child rearing.  Nine months of stretch marks, belly's growing unscrupulously large, and your once plump and bodacious boobs now look something akin too (well the only reference that comes to mind is "Do Your Ears Hang Low" except usurp the word Ears for Boobs).  They will forever be mourned. This story is a reminder that all those horrible, body altering,  mood swinging, hormonal/PMSing experiences are all worth it, because somewhere in all that controlled chaos, a moment so sweet nuzzles it's way in, and for an instant...we fall in love all over again.

Here goes...

The day started off like most days, she woke up to the sound of her baby, (who at two and a half wasn't really considered a baby anymore, but to her he was) yelling "mama", "mama", or in other words, "come get me".  Exhausted from the previous few days she flopped her feet out of bed, eyes taped closed with what felt like duct tape and tried to feel her way down the stairs to the babies room. 

Fighting the brightness of any stream of light she finally opened her eyes to her sweet little baby smiling, arms out, ready for his protector to swoop him up and take care of his every need.  As they came upstairs, she tried to wipe the sleepy thoughts from her brain.  (You know the one that says "just fill the sippy cup with milk, turn on "Cars" and then you can go get back in bed"!

The thought won, however it was not long lasting!  Before she knew it the little bug was tapping her arm and signing to her that he was hungry.  Signing had been adopted with her second child as an easy form of communication, and this particular little guy had taken to it especially early and didn't seem to have a desire to talk... as of yet. 

So sleepily she crawled out of bed, wondering why she'd even thought it possible to gain more sleep and kicking herself for not being more disciplined when it came to her desire for sleep.  It seemed her "sleeping brain" could talk the "running brain" or "feed the kids brain" into doing what it wanted every time!

Someday she thought, I will figure out how to control mind over matter; but, for today... "sleep brain" had won yet, once again! Chalk it up for Sleep Brain "to many to count" and "other brain", "zero"; okay not zero but it's numbers are too pathetic to actually put on paper!

As she clumsily filled her child's bowl with cereal and milk she realized the other two children were not yet up and for a second she smiled and took in that tiny moment of quiet bliss.........................................................
And then, like clockwork, that moment had dissipated into thin air.  The seven year old "Crazy" and his nemesis eight, almost nine year old "Drama Queen" sister had awakened and within minutes the tiny moment of quiet bliss had disappeared into a black hole never to be seen again for the next 12 hours. 

As chaos ensued as it did most mornings, she wondered how she'd get anything done.  And then the thought came... "if only I could disappear to some beach by myself, just for 24 hours.  Oh how the world would be a much better place."  Just for a moment! (Perhaps a nice cold diet coke will suffice for now.)

Women, it's time for OUR timeout! Whatever it is, take a moment, close your eyes, drink a diet coke (in my case), sip that wine, read that book... you deserve it!