No Words...

As I walked in the door from spending time with my little side kick who is almost four year old at a local fire station for a friends birthday; I tucked him in bed for his daily nap, kissed his sweet cheek, and closed the door.  Moments later, I turned on the news, and as most multitasking mom's,turn on my laptop, start pulling laundry over to fold and the words on the television bring attention to my ears.  26 people have been shot, 20 of whom are children in a Connecticut  Elementary school, my heart sunk and I am sickened.

I have been complaining all week about all my woes, and yet as tears stream down my cheek and my heart aches for these parents I realize how silly and insignificant my issues now appear.  Why am I not hugging my kids, why am I not loving and laughing with them, and why am I so preoccupied by the day ins and day outs of things that really don't matter! When really, I should be trying to utilize every minute I have with them. Because heaven forbid something bad happen's and I never see them again! It's hard to comprehend.

It is heart wrenching, all I want to do is hug my three beautiful children and somehow protect them from all that is evil in this world.  It is incomprehensible that anyone could take out their frustrations in life on sweet innocent children.

Every single child and adult who was somehow involved will forever be changed.  Innocence was lost.  How does one begin piecing their life back together after such a horrific tragedy?  And how do you even begin to explain or help your child who experienced something this grave, understand and work through it.

My heart goes out to these families who will never be able to kiss that sweet little face, or hug their beautiful innocent child.  I can't imagine the emptiness and heartache that has undoubtedly surrounded these people's lives due to no fault of their own.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you all!

Frustrations of a Home Bound Mom!

So today (yesterday) has been one of those days, or perhaps it's been one of those weeks, months, quarters, hmmm... I guess it's just been a year!  I often find myself wishing I lived another life, yes I have mentioned this before, free from torturous whining, kids screaming, never ending homework nagging, duct tape needing, mom screaming, hair pulling, happy fun filled days that seem to be the bane of my existence anymore!

The life where I made all the RIGHT decisions and stopped second guessing every decision that I have made!  You know, those decision that ultimately define the rest of your life.

In that other life, my life would be filled with wisdom, knowledge, confidence, no regrets, making a decision and running with it and not second guessing every damn decision I do make, not listening to anyone but myself and God, not allowing what I thought everyone wanted me to do or be to guide my every decision. I would stop trying to be so disgustingly perfect.  I wouldn't feel bad about my failures and use that to fuel my new endeavors. I would be full of I do's instead of "I didn't dare". I would put more worth on what I believe and value and not what other's value in me.  I wouldn't be so scared to try and be excited for the result no matter the outcome!

Oh and it would include some sort of nanny, a beach front property with NO hurricanes, and a masseuse to rub any and all of the incessant mommy stresses away, a hubby who cooked and cleaned (preferably) and children who cleaned up, wiped up, peed in the toilet not on the toilet, folded clothes, washed their own laundry, never complained, didn't know the meaning of "eyes rolling", refrained from nose picking, toilet role replacing, respectable, "your the best mom ever award", sweet and ever mindful children.  (It's a dream people)

Instead I have been consuming myself with the extremely efficient mind numbing game of what if I....

1. Finished college the first go around (rather than returning 10 years later and trying to finish a degree with three little hellions and four extra mouths to feed, laundry to be done, food to be cooked... yada, yada, yada, you get the picture!
2. Didn't have kids when I was a completely under qualified (is there such a thing as an over qualified mom?)
3. Got financially secure before having kids, (somehow I think those two go hand in hand)
4. Was the perfect mom
5. Wasn't so damn serious all the time
6. Wasn't so flippin indecisive
7. Found joy in the monotony of every day life
8. Woke up every day, went running before the break of dawn, showered, hair done, dressed, laundry load done, dishes done, all before the kids woke up! (Hell, then what would I do with the rest of my day!)
9. Finished the jobs I started... that would be a good start

Oh and 10. Stop being such a dumb A__! (This just goes with out saying ;)

I mean, I am quite sure that had I actually waited to bear children until I was a little more mature perhaps I would have made more qualified decisions! Like, perhaps it would be wiser to put the hubby through school while your going to school, or better yet, don't even get married until you have your degree, then get married, but wait to have kids until you can actually pay for that house, and not be scraping by.... But, no!  I got married at the age of 20, had my first kid at 22, had my second kid at 24, was practically a single mom putting her husband through Architecture school, and in the meantime lost my mind, identity, and became, hmmm still not sure!

I think that is where I'm at now, trying to figure out who the hell I am all the while still maintaining that "I am an awesome mom" complex, which we all know doesn't really exist; it's purely a figment of our imaginations.

Sorry to break it to you ladies! If your still living in that bubble, just be prepared because the fact is THERE IS NO SUCH THING! If there is anything I have learned over the years it's that if you think there is such thing as perfection, your setting yourself up for failure, it's inevitable! You might as well hear it from me now instead of ten years down the road! Just sayin!

Unfortunately, one of these days (if you haven't already) you will have a midlife crisis like yours truly and wonder where that amazing woman went only to find that the reflection in the mirror slightly resembles that girl from long ago, but is no where to be found!  If you are fortunate enough to never experience such a thing, please tell me what miracle drug you've found because the rest of us would appreciate it and we will thank you for it!

Until then, I'm befuddled by the road not taken, and longing for that daring girl that once resembled me and wondering if she still exists; somewhere?

And, if she is there, is it possible to reinvent her, or perhaps become a better version of her?  And if so, how, what, when and where is she and how do I begin to bring her back?

Lost in a world not my own,

Yours Truly!

Who done it?

So about two weeks ago I was getting ready to go on a 11 mile run.  Yes, I'm one of those crazy runners out there. One of the ones you either get (because your a crazy runner too) or don't get because who in their right mind would pound pavement for 11 miles unless someone paid you to do it.  Never say never... I was just like you, and then I started running!

Well nonetheless, as I was getting ready to run I realized I had my correction lens on... yes, my glasses.  I hate running in glasses because once you start sweating you just have to keep pushing them back in place every fives seconds.  Its' enough to drive even a mad women crazy.  So, I opened my car door and put them on my seat, shut the door and locked it.

I then decided that I didn't want to wear the florescent yellow shirt that was tied around my waste being that it was already a hot and humid morning.  So, again I opened my car door and placed the shirt on top of my glasses, of this I'm sure, shut the door and again, locked it!

Well my run was one for the record books, after living here in Starkville, MS for only two months and not being very familiar with it, I somehow managed to miss my turn off.  How in the hell did I do this you ask? Well I have no freaking clue, and still I can't figure it out; except to say that the road I was running on was full of cars, and being that Starkville has no shoulders to their skinny roads, I was in fear for my life.  I do remember this and after backtracking just to see what the heck went wrong I realized that, the exact spot where the turnoff was carried a string of lunatic tailgaters making there way through the streets of Starkville, MS.

Needless to say, I ended up running almost a half marathon that day, and to make matters worse, my calve spasmed and a tight knot found it's way into my right calf muscle sending shearing pain through my entire calf muscle, immediately stopping any thoughts I had about running the last mile.  So mile 12 I walked.  It was a mile from hell as any runner can appreciate.  For crying out loud, I had already run 11.5 miles, what is one more measly mile.  I tried two different times to run only for my calf to scream out in pain.  The result a pathetic and lowly girl walking on the side of a crappy road listening to her only saving grace, her iphone.  Thank heaven that baby didn't die on me or I may have gone all awoll right there on Oktoc road.

Best run ever!

So back to the original part of the story.  I finally make it back to my car, ornery  pathetic, and wanting a diet coke so bad I was about to go into withdrawals.  So I get in, throw my shirt on the ground; the one that I had set on top of my glasses, and... nothing.  No glasses.  Anywhere!  I think I was stunned; and as I looked around my car, I thought to myself, you're not losing your mind (I can't knowingly admit that to myself, that would result in a complete and utter meltdown, kind of like a SUPER MELTDOWN.  I've already had a partial meltdown... refer to post #2) the glasses have to be here somewhere I thought.  I slowly drove off and before I could get a mile down the road my instincts and panic got the best of me.  I pulled over, got out, went over to the passenger side door where I had previously put my glasses and shirt and searched.  My glasses were NOWHERE to be found.  I got in turned around and drove back to the spot where I parked.

I was tempted to get down on my hands & knees, however for risk of complete and utter humiliation I settled with pacing back and forth on the side of the road, in front of someone's house and next to someone elses car.  (Because in no way does this appear bizarre or lunatic like.)  And still, nothing... no glasses!

I drove home aloof and thwarted at what could have possibly occurred.   Glasses were there and then they weren't.  When I finally told my husband what had happened that night (Because somehow it didn't seem extraordinary that I had been wearing my prescription sunglasses all day long... indoors, watching t.v.)  The first thing that came out was "I swear a freaking troll got in and stole them!" I know, even now it is the only thing that makes sense.  I mean how in the hell do glasses just get up and walk away.

A 20 minute ordeal of vacuuming out my Journey, and still no glasses to be found.  I'm at a loss.  And to make it worse, I know the second I break down and go get my eyes checked, fork out the money for new glasses; that is the day my glasses will magically appear.

Damn you corrective lens stealing troll!

This is how I see these days, prescription sunglasses, even where the sun don't shine ;)